Brutal Affection: Playing With Rough Sex
Below is an excerpt from Felice's book-in-progress, Brutal Affection: The Joys of Rough Sex.
A beautiful, provocative view of Rough Sex packed with photos, technique, erotica and discussions that will spark the brain as well as the loins.
You can read a chapter of Felice's book in Tristan Taormino's, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
Rough Sex is an attitude. A Journey. And truly astounding.
Rough Sex treads on taboos, giving them a wink and the finger.
Rough Sex is the clear permission to take and give power.
Rough Sex doesn’t care about what gender you are, how you look, who you fuck, or how or who others say you’re supposed to be.
Rough Sex is release, dominance, resistance, objectification, humiliation, imagination, role play, giving in, giving over.
Rough Sex is connected, laughing, loving, silly, growling, playful.
Rough Sex is slapping, name calling, breath control, hard penetration, biting, hair pulling, choking, restraining.
Rough Sex is awareness, calculating, tender, self-confident, respectful.
Rough Sex is primal, raw, spiritual, animalistic, unruly, breathless, ruthless, famished, predatory, ecstatic.
Rough Sex is unfolding and claiming your desire.
Rough Sex is using your hands, genitals, mouth, toys, and brain.
Rough Sex is passion and ache.
Rough Sex is the release of endorphins – chemicals released from the brain which block pain and create a feeling of euphoria.
Sometimes I like to piss him off so he will rough me up. I know this isn’t like what you’re talking about, but it works.
It works? What works? I’m a huge fan of getting roughed up and being fucked silly, but if you only get the sex you want from provoking and lying to your lover, I imagine the rest of your relationship doesn’t have much trust, love and respect either. What happens when you have a real disagreement or fight, should he fuck you out of anger as punishment then too? Rough Sex is not Angry Sex. If you and your lover are mad at each other, either talk about it or don’t fuck yet. It will come up during your sex and possibly slip out indirectly, causing someone to smack too hard, or feel too vulnerable and get physically or emotionally hurt. Often there is an emotional hangover after this kind of sex; you might not even be aware of it initially, but eventually it will take its toll on you, your lover and the relationship.
Let’s get real. I’m honestly not a selfish jerk but talking takes the spontaneity out of the whole thing. Rough sex means go for it.
I get it. Going for it is HOT. Theoretically.
Suppose you serve a gorgeous candlelit soufflé to your date only to discover she’s allergic to eggs. You worked hard but you both end up feeling kinda crappy…and hungry. The ambience is still wonderful, but had you both (even briefly) talked about what food you each eat and love the feasting might have lasted long into the night.
Or you meet at a party, you talk, you flirt, you lean in and say, “I want to slam into you, bring you to your knees, and make you forget there’s a god” and your prey looks at you, smiling, and holds out his hand to you. (a) you’re a lucky dog. (b) you just two just communicated a common desire. You talked. And it’s still spontaneous.
Without any kind of preliminary talk, if you just ‘go for it’ you might get your rocks off, but will you please your lover? Will you hurt your lover? How will you know? If both of you don’t care (though determining this is a catch-22) – power to you – really, I support this fully. Hopefully there won’t be any physical or emotional fallout later. Most people, however, do care how each other feels. If you haven’t set up that communicating is hot and desired, during your ravenous flight, you might not ask if something is too hard. Or if you do ask, you might not be answered truthfully out of shyness or reluctancy to offend. With new lovers, once the action gets hot, fair and equal negotiation is harder to come by, especially on the first or second date. Each of you is trying to impress and suss out the other, bringing your best game and sexiest moves; nerves mar perception. The power imbalance exists - tipped towards the one doing the roughing up. Even willing participants
I’m afraid I’ll hurt her. How do I gauge my depth and strength, I’ve studied martial arts and boxing – I’m used to all or nothing.
Unlike martial arts and boxing there is no opponent in rough sex – same team, different positions. In your training you have learned how to inhabit and control your body to do what you want it to do on the mat or in the ring. Bring this awareness of your body to sex. Start light and ask your partner, “is that too hard?” Or make it a game: “on a scale of 1 – 10, how hard is that?” Illuminating as it is corny.